My Relationship with Music
Music. That’s my medicine. I get it from my mother. Music is what I turn to to drown out the sounds. I do this in both healthy and unhealthy ways, but I do it often.
I found some time ago through music, that God is far smarter than I give him credit for. That’s not to say I didn't previously understand the concept of omnipotence, I even believed it, I just didn't receive it. I often find myself factoring God out of the equation of my life both consciously and subconsciously. However, God is apparently pretty quick, because in all my efforts to hold on to only half of my walk, I can't avoid him. None of us can.
Anyway, the Lord blessed me with music. When I wanted to seek him i'd turn on his hymns, but other times did use my gift to drown out his voice. It’s not been too long that i’ve known my habitual tactic of using music like a drug. When I'm feeling broken, I turn on any secular artist I want to hear from about break ups, depression, indifference, revenge and other common concepts designed by the devil to infect the world. The worst part is, I let the words of the artist get loud enough to drown out the holy spirit knocking on my heart, and I do it on purpose. I turn up the volume and let the world’s voice fill my spirit. And like that, unplugging from reality, came as easy as plugging in my earbuds. I found what felt like freedom by meditating on the words instead of meditating on the WORD.
I love music, and even then, when my spirit was joyful, I had no intention of finding depth in the songs I heard. At least not spiritual depth.
For a while it actually worked. Believe it or not, it can feel good to replace pain with numb for a little while. But empty substance is the same as no substance at all. Just because you paint over the holes in the wall, instead of repairing them, it doesn’t mean they won’t be the first things to implode if the structure fails. To stop my sinking in sorrow, I drowned myself in something else!
The thing is, though the Father made music, the enemy governs the territory. He knows exactly what song needs to come next on the station to subconsciously plant the dangerous thoughts and feelings in your mind. God is a maker, but Satin is a manipulator. The Lord knows how to get your attention, but the adversary knows how to drive through your thoughts, and turn the eyes of your heart just enough so God is in your peripheral.
You see, the biggest tragedy is that I missed out on the real healing! Thinking I was giving myself the satisfaction I needed by ignoring my savior was absolutely miserable, and it was changing me drastically. I was un-plugged, un-present, and there was an un-genuine taste about me. It just grew wearissom.
As I continued this habit, I began to feel the fake fade away. Songs began to stop giving me the high I was after. Even searching for new pop-music, making new playlists, watching music videos, memorizing lyrics, looking up artists and other attempts to find depth in shallow waters were futile, for it only lasted so long. My musical life was numb. Gray. Without motivation or color. I need color. No, I need JESUS.
But redemption comes like an unexpected breeze on a painfully hot day. Healing finds you like a single deer in the forest.
I was butting heads with my mom the day it found me. I had myself convinced that morning that the world was against me. When pride melted into contempt, and contempt to anger, anger to exhaustion, and exhaustion led me right back down into depression, I walked outside blank faced, leaned against the wall, and pressed play on the first shallow, empty song I found. My heart was beginning to numb itself but my conscience was discontent. I skipped the song.
Our God is so good. The next lyrics I heard were, “You unravel me - with a melody...” Like a wave, these words washed over me and purified every corner of my mind. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was until God led me to water. It was like I understood what “real” meant. I felt full. I felt whole. I felt loved. I felt saved. I felt like I was hearing the music for the first time in a long time. Standing there, in my front lawn, not needing to be over-spiritual, just being showered by God’s grace and forgiveness over me.
All this said. Im being taught that God speaks to me personally and paternally. His supernatural love for his fallen daughter was made real to me in the brief moment I was touched by him. My savior used music to pull me up the way my adversary used it to drag me. But my lord is faithful and good. He has made me whole.
I found some time ago through music, that God is far smarter than I give him credit for. That’s not to say I didn't previously understand the concept of omnipotence, I even believed it, I just didn't receive it. I often find myself factoring God out of the equation of my life both consciously and subconsciously. However, God is apparently pretty quick, because in all my efforts to hold on to only half of my walk, I can't avoid him. None of us can.
Anyway, the Lord blessed me with music. When I wanted to seek him i'd turn on his hymns, but other times did use my gift to drown out his voice. It’s not been too long that i’ve known my habitual tactic of using music like a drug. When I'm feeling broken, I turn on any secular artist I want to hear from about break ups, depression, indifference, revenge and other common concepts designed by the devil to infect the world. The worst part is, I let the words of the artist get loud enough to drown out the holy spirit knocking on my heart, and I do it on purpose. I turn up the volume and let the world’s voice fill my spirit. And like that, unplugging from reality, came as easy as plugging in my earbuds. I found what felt like freedom by meditating on the words instead of meditating on the WORD.
I love music, and even then, when my spirit was joyful, I had no intention of finding depth in the songs I heard. At least not spiritual depth.
For a while it actually worked. Believe it or not, it can feel good to replace pain with numb for a little while. But empty substance is the same as no substance at all. Just because you paint over the holes in the wall, instead of repairing them, it doesn’t mean they won’t be the first things to implode if the structure fails. To stop my sinking in sorrow, I drowned myself in something else!
The thing is, though the Father made music, the enemy governs the territory. He knows exactly what song needs to come next on the station to subconsciously plant the dangerous thoughts and feelings in your mind. God is a maker, but Satin is a manipulator. The Lord knows how to get your attention, but the adversary knows how to drive through your thoughts, and turn the eyes of your heart just enough so God is in your peripheral.
You see, the biggest tragedy is that I missed out on the real healing! Thinking I was giving myself the satisfaction I needed by ignoring my savior was absolutely miserable, and it was changing me drastically. I was un-plugged, un-present, and there was an un-genuine taste about me. It just grew wearissom.
As I continued this habit, I began to feel the fake fade away. Songs began to stop giving me the high I was after. Even searching for new pop-music, making new playlists, watching music videos, memorizing lyrics, looking up artists and other attempts to find depth in shallow waters were futile, for it only lasted so long. My musical life was numb. Gray. Without motivation or color. I need color. No, I need JESUS.
But redemption comes like an unexpected breeze on a painfully hot day. Healing finds you like a single deer in the forest.
I was butting heads with my mom the day it found me. I had myself convinced that morning that the world was against me. When pride melted into contempt, and contempt to anger, anger to exhaustion, and exhaustion led me right back down into depression, I walked outside blank faced, leaned against the wall, and pressed play on the first shallow, empty song I found. My heart was beginning to numb itself but my conscience was discontent. I skipped the song.
Our God is so good. The next lyrics I heard were, “You unravel me - with a melody...” Like a wave, these words washed over me and purified every corner of my mind. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was until God led me to water. It was like I understood what “real” meant. I felt full. I felt whole. I felt loved. I felt saved. I felt like I was hearing the music for the first time in a long time. Standing there, in my front lawn, not needing to be over-spiritual, just being showered by God’s grace and forgiveness over me.
All this said. Im being taught that God speaks to me personally and paternally. His supernatural love for his fallen daughter was made real to me in the brief moment I was touched by him. My savior used music to pull me up the way my adversary used it to drag me. But my lord is faithful and good. He has made me whole.
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