LET GO - How I Punish Myself
See if you can try to relate: Every day your mind focuses on the many different things the world has asked of you for fulfilling your educational, occupational, or relational status minimum. The tasks on your to-do are directed towards getting something done, that you subconsciously know won’t affect the results of tomorrow. You focus on everything and everyone but the one thing, person, or event that tore it all to pieces. The un-spoken point of each and every week is not addressing that person. That issue. That pain you know isn’t going away.
People ask you how you’re doing, and an “I’m good!” Escapes your mouth before the question enters your cognitive processing, where it questions and interrogates you, asking you wether you're really doing fine, and why you keep lying to yourself. You realize you’ve been staring at the ground for two minutes letting your heart try to speak and you promptly keep walking like the happy person you are. Inside though, you’re still harboring that righteous resentment.
When friends mention forgiveness an alarm goes off in your brain, though you nod your head out of churchy agreement, and a fog blocks you from thinking strait for at least the next twenty minutes.
You’re not a pouter, a kicker, a tantrum-thrower, a cryer, or complainer, in fact, you’re the opposite. You are the person who people that need all that stuff go to. You're the counselor, the guide, the “There for you in a moments notice” friend. It’s one way you cope, though you don't admit it to yourself: letting your mind focus on other people's pain instead of your own.
When people pray over you, you block out the words. It doesn't do anything anyway.
When you see that person, that one person, the one that you're sure, cant possibly also be a child of God, you're filled with bitterness, and boiling anger, and when they remain unaffected by your presence you fight back tears, because you're exhausted.
You're just Exhausted.
Exhausted from feeling the hatred for someone who never felt guilty. Exhausted from trying to hold on to your right to stay mad on the inside, but not let it show on the outside, because God only knows what you church friends would do to you if they knew you were just like them. You're exhausted from trying to obtain validity in your anger while at the same time trying to convince yourself you don't have time for your own emotions and you need to be there for people. You're exhausted from being dragged through each week/month/year without being given the chance to enjoy the mountains, or be held through the valleys. You're exhausted by anger. It runs your subconscious life. It runs the part of you that is always screaming, "Why?! Why this?! Why me?! Why is it so hard. I don't understand! I won't understand! And I won't let it go."
If your inside is screaming, and your outside is a perfect picture, you are probably exhausted too. So tell me, do you relate?
Do you want to yell at God, "It's not Fair!"? Are you sizzling at the injustice of the fact that they get to get away with feeling nothing? Are you burning at the skewed result of life, where they get to believe that they've done nothing wrong and call themselves a saint while at the same time, they slander you, attack you, or even just ignore your existence?
I know I have. All of these paint of perfect picture of much of my life. If you think I sound like a horrible, messed-up, tragically wretched person in major need of a savior, you have no idea. But if you know what I mean, and if you feel the same, then I might just know exactly what you need to hear:
You are right.
It is unfair. It's actually very unfair. The system is screwed. The rage is real. And the soreness is strong enough to kill. You have a right to be angry, exhausted, frustrated, hurt, tired, absent, and all of the above. I get the feeling.
But from my experience...If you linger too long in the pit of despair, you'll forget the way to the kingdom of joy.
Anger is real. Pain is real. And brokenness is real. But all three of those things become so much harder to recover from, the longer you let them simmer.
I'm not saying, by any means, that you should use this moment to make a rash decision and let all of those people, or that one person that hurt you, back into your life and re-establish a normal relationship right now because it's "bad to be mad". That is not good thinking at all. All I want to establish, is that your anger is only hurting you. Until the moment you confront them, the only person on the face of the earth that you're anger affects, is yourself. You're giving that person what they want, and you're giving the enemy what he wants.
You are single-handedly exhausting yourself.
When I came to this conclusion myself, I was so mad. Mad at God, mad at my friends, mad at the person who hurt me, but mostly I was mad at myself.
I was mad at myself because this conclusion challenged my every-day mindset! I didn't want to let it go! I didn't want to feel OK again! I was just fine sitting in the puddle of negative emotions that I had made for myself, just letting the rain pour down on me.
And that's when I remembered something I'v heard all my life but never really listened to: I don't have to forget what they did to me when I forgive them. I don't have to accept their sin when I forgive them. I don't have to let them back into my heart. I don't even have to speak to them, because my forgiveness is not for their benefit! My letting it go is not for their benefit! None of it is for their benefit. All of it is for my benefit. My savior wants me to let go because he loves me and he sees my struggling heart!!!
I am so tired of being run over by myself. I have enough scar tissue from the tragedies in my life. I don't need to add the residue of resentment.
Maybe you agree. Maybe you don't. But I know that this realization was like a healing balm to my red-hot-heart.
This is my prayer: That the ones out there who don't deserve to be punishing themselves for someone else's wrong, find, in their lives and in their Savior, the ability to let go for the sake of themselves. And that each and every day I remember to speak these words over my own heart:
Their power is insignificant. My pain is not forever. There is nothing any person can do to destroy me because the power is in my hands to forgive, and walk away. I cannot be crushed by mankind without my own consent because I choose to let go.
When people pray over you, you block out the words. It doesn't do anything anyway.
When you see that person, that one person, the one that you're sure, cant possibly also be a child of God, you're filled with bitterness, and boiling anger, and when they remain unaffected by your presence you fight back tears, because you're exhausted.
You're just Exhausted.
Exhausted from feeling the hatred for someone who never felt guilty. Exhausted from trying to hold on to your right to stay mad on the inside, but not let it show on the outside, because God only knows what you church friends would do to you if they knew you were just like them. You're exhausted from trying to obtain validity in your anger while at the same time trying to convince yourself you don't have time for your own emotions and you need to be there for people. You're exhausted from being dragged through each week/month/year without being given the chance to enjoy the mountains, or be held through the valleys. You're exhausted by anger. It runs your subconscious life. It runs the part of you that is always screaming, "Why?! Why this?! Why me?! Why is it so hard. I don't understand! I won't understand! And I won't let it go."
If your inside is screaming, and your outside is a perfect picture, you are probably exhausted too. So tell me, do you relate?
Do you want to yell at God, "It's not Fair!"? Are you sizzling at the injustice of the fact that they get to get away with feeling nothing? Are you burning at the skewed result of life, where they get to believe that they've done nothing wrong and call themselves a saint while at the same time, they slander you, attack you, or even just ignore your existence?
I know I have. All of these paint of perfect picture of much of my life. If you think I sound like a horrible, messed-up, tragically wretched person in major need of a savior, you have no idea. But if you know what I mean, and if you feel the same, then I might just know exactly what you need to hear:
You are right.
It is unfair. It's actually very unfair. The system is screwed. The rage is real. And the soreness is strong enough to kill. You have a right to be angry, exhausted, frustrated, hurt, tired, absent, and all of the above. I get the feeling.
But from my experience...If you linger too long in the pit of despair, you'll forget the way to the kingdom of joy.
Anger is real. Pain is real. And brokenness is real. But all three of those things become so much harder to recover from, the longer you let them simmer.
I'm not saying, by any means, that you should use this moment to make a rash decision and let all of those people, or that one person that hurt you, back into your life and re-establish a normal relationship right now because it's "bad to be mad". That is not good thinking at all. All I want to establish, is that your anger is only hurting you. Until the moment you confront them, the only person on the face of the earth that you're anger affects, is yourself. You're giving that person what they want, and you're giving the enemy what he wants.
You are single-handedly exhausting yourself.
When I came to this conclusion myself, I was so mad. Mad at God, mad at my friends, mad at the person who hurt me, but mostly I was mad at myself.
I was mad at myself because this conclusion challenged my every-day mindset! I didn't want to let it go! I didn't want to feel OK again! I was just fine sitting in the puddle of negative emotions that I had made for myself, just letting the rain pour down on me.
And that's when I remembered something I'v heard all my life but never really listened to: I don't have to forget what they did to me when I forgive them. I don't have to accept their sin when I forgive them. I don't have to let them back into my heart. I don't even have to speak to them, because my forgiveness is not for their benefit! My letting it go is not for their benefit! None of it is for their benefit. All of it is for my benefit. My savior wants me to let go because he loves me and he sees my struggling heart!!!
I am so tired of being run over by myself. I have enough scar tissue from the tragedies in my life. I don't need to add the residue of resentment.
Maybe you agree. Maybe you don't. But I know that this realization was like a healing balm to my red-hot-heart.
This is my prayer: That the ones out there who don't deserve to be punishing themselves for someone else's wrong, find, in their lives and in their Savior, the ability to let go for the sake of themselves. And that each and every day I remember to speak these words over my own heart:
Their power is insignificant. My pain is not forever. There is nothing any person can do to destroy me because the power is in my hands to forgive, and walk away. I cannot be crushed by mankind without my own consent because I choose to let go.
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